Addicted to pain
by mafialegs
Summary: Baralai, Paine and Rikku think about their complicated relationship to each other. Themes include sadomasochism, cheating and bisexuality, so if you're bothered by one of these be warned.


_Baralai_

When you were just fifteen I took your precious virginity. Actually, you asked me to. I love it when you beg, on your knees, your crimson eyes full of need. You never admit it but yes, you need me. Me thrusting inside of you, the only thing she can't give you. Sexual satisfaction.

You were so triumphant when you told me you have found a true love. You said Rikku loves you. Well, I'm sure she does. You said that now you had her you wouldn't need me anymore, but you forgot our thing was never about love anyway. A man - whatever his occupation might be - needs to fulfil his sexual needs. And no matter what you say you need to fulfil yours, too.

You're lying under me, tied up to the bed. You try to turn your head away so that you wouldn't have to see me. So that you wouldn't have to admit you need me like air. You can't breathe without me inside of you, you're totally addicted. And every time you deny it I ask why do you keep coming back, then?

It doesn't make you a bad person, really. You just need to be dominated, you have primal needs and your girl can't satisfy you. You're always so tough, it's just natural that you want to be weak sometimes. You need a real man to get the best of you. And it's not only about sex - I've seen how you curl into my arms and fall asleep with a happy smile on your face.

I don't know why you make yourself believe you love her but I know it's not true.

_Paine_

When I was fifteen you created the path I would have to follow ever since. I was mature and thought I knew what I wanted, but you showed me I knew nothing. I guess it's still that way in bed – you show me again and again how I do not know what I want. Every time I wake up next to you and gather my clothes and creep away while you're sleeping I swear I'll never do it again.But of course I will and we both know it.

I know you think I need you like a woman is supposed to need a man. Physically, sexually, even romantically. It's not that, it's never been that simple. I don't need you, your lovely and oh so pretty hands, your weak trembling flesh or your masculine power. But I do need the pain that you cause me with your words, hands, smiles and all that domination.

I think I even need the shame afterwards. I need the begging, the crying, the hurting, the bleeding. I need the breaking into pieces. Because when I feel as unworthy and beaten as I ever could you finally loosen the chains around my wrists and smile. Gently. At that moment I'm a bit closer to being a whole person.

You have never understood my relationship with Rikku, just as you've misunderstood the one I'm having with you. Perhaps it's your ego or just jealousy, but you seem to think I can't love her if I have an addiction to you. I tried to believe that too, in the beginning, but now I know better. I love her, and that's the very reason why I'm doing this with you. I know I'm addicted and I think I'd lose my mind if I couldn't be dominated into pieces sometimes. But I also know I could never allow her to break me, because that would also mean breaking all the trust and love and harmony there is between us. And I can't risk losing her by telling about this, either.

You I have never loved or trusted so I have nothing to be careful for. And you won't tell her about us because you would be just as lost as me if we would stop.

_Rikku_

I might be young but I am not stupid. Sometimes it's hard to believe you really think I don't know you're seeing him. Even seeing you two talking together it's so painstakingly obvious. Oh no, you're very careful about it all. But it's just that – you never touch him, even at mistake. You never look into his eyes. You never smile freely around him. If he walks too close behind you your heart seems to stop beating.

When you say you're going out with friends and there's a certain uneasiness in your voice I know I'll spend the night crying and hopelessly cursing this situation. Why can't you just tell me? I would love to do to you whatever it is he's doing now. I would chain, hurt and humiliate you if that'd make you happy. What kills me is that I know it wouldn't, and I can't understand why. Why is he better than me?

I don't believe you love him like you love me. We have a good relationship and I'm not going to end it like this. I'm not really even jealous, I just hate it when you don't trust me. You may be unfaithful and you may have needs that I can't satisfy but you may not treat me like just an ignorant little kid to whom you can be all gentle and vanilla when you happen to feel like that. It's just so hard to really mean things like that, let alone saying them aloud.

If you would be honest with me we could talk this through. I don't think I'll go on very long trying to avoid seeing your bruises, teary eyes and flushed skin after a night out. Accepting your weak explanations if I ask about it. Holding my breath when you kiss me good morning so that I wouldn't have to taste him on your lips. Pretending to be ever so happy and giving you yet another cheerful smile instead of bursting into tears.

I wonder if you'll ever start respecting me enough to truly let me know you.


End file.
